As you drive into Burning Man you see these signs on the side of the road that constitute kind of a mini-indoctrination. This is not all bad: people who haven't been there before need to understand that on the playa there is no maid, that your fellow campers might not appreciate it when you and your stupid SUV needlessly raise plumes of dust on your way to your well-deserved appointment with oblivion, that you need to drink water (DUH!) -- stuff like that. Sadly, there are also cutesy, pop-zen attempts at sign humor. Stuff that hippies might find funny. If they were really, really wasted. (And would they be hippies elsewise?) Realizing they needed help in this area, someone in the "rigid, secretive" Burning Man hierarchy sent out a call to small circles of hooligans, asking for help with this year's signs. Our fellow campers, Ted Casino and Dr. Cliff of cardhouse.com responded with many helpful and timely suggestions. Unfortunately, so far as we could establish on our drive into Black Rock, not a single one of their suggestions made it onto a sign. Fortunately, Adrian Roberts printed them in Piss Clear, for the edification and enlightenment of all. Unfortunately, if you were reading Piss Clear, you were already submerged inside of Burning Man. If you had not already steeled yourself for the presence of large numbers of hippies, then God help you.

RIGID, SECRETIVE HIERARCHY BURNING MAN IS LIKE DISNEYLAND, EXCEPT THERE ARE MORE RULES THIS SIGN IS ON DRUGS. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN PAINTED WEIRD, BUT THE SIGN PAINTER WAS ALSO ON DRUGS, SO THEY CANCELED EACH OTHER OUT. THERE WILL BE NONE OF THAT WARNING: HIPPIES AHEAD PLEASE HAVE MONEY READY BEAUTY TIP: YOU CAN MASK THE HORRID SMELL OF PATCHOULI BY NOT SHOWERING FOR A FEW DAYS Y2K IS FOUR MONTHS AWAY AND YOU'RE NAKED IN THE DESERT. SMART. TIMOTHY LEARY IS GLAD HE'S DEAD, THANKS TO YOUR NAKED ASS AS SEEN ON TV SURVEILLANCE CAMERAS INSTALLED FOR YOUR PROTECTION SEE ATTENDANT FOR RESTROOM TOKEN (More at Piss Clear)