ITEM ONE: The broadcast network lineup for the first prime-time hour of 19jul2006:

CBS: Rock Star: Supernova
UPN: America's Next Top Model
FOX: So You Think You Can Dance
NBC: America's Got Talent
ABC: The One: Making A Music Star

Clearly, this fulfilled our prophecy of cinco años agone and makes evident that the viewing audience is primed for a new reality approach.

ITEM TWO: MTV's latest lazy-ass reality production is called Why Can't I Be You?

Seriously? The Cure? At this late stage of the game? Lazy-ass TV executives—couldn't they just as easily called it You're Just Like Me? Based on Deadbolt's song of the same name? Which would also be the show's theme song? Um, duh?

Fact is, there's a long list of Deadbolt song titles that would make for marketable reality shows. Here's a suggested schedule for lazy TV execs. Take it as pitch or prophecy.



© Deuce of Clubs
Listings For: Wichita, U.S.A.
7:00 PM7:30 PM8:00 PM
8:30 PM
The Day I Got My Spine Back
Former comedian Steve Martin shifts gears by agreeing to a new film project that doesn't pinky-swear from the very outset to suck kangaroo balls.
The Lucy Joke
The Aristocrats, in game show format. The same joke is repeated word-for-word by Nipsey Russell, Alan King, Rip Taylor, Phyllis Diller, and every other comic in that category. (Note: Portions of dead comedians may be computer-generated.)
Who Whacked Pauly
The suspicious disappearance of Tony Sirico is investigated by a team of Gene Vincent impersonators.
Passersby are abruptly smacked across the mouth by a computer-generated Gene Vincent.
Crime Scene
Producers of crime scene investigation shows are forced to watch their own creative output; the winner is the last to gouge out his own eyeballs.
Tijuana Hit Squad
A consortium of narcocorrido producers make a run at crossover pop music success.
¡Hoy San Ysidro, mañana el mundo!
El Sadistico
Practitioners of alternative "dungeon" lifestyles are tortured by their significant other(s).
El Perversio
Practitioners of alternative "dungeon" lifestyles are tortured by complete stranger(s).
Big Man Make a Fool of You
A day in the life of Mary Jo Buttafuoco.
Creepy World
Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie continue to enact their pretend public feud.
Bitch Tried to Kill Me
A second day in the life of Mary Jo Buttafuoco.
Patches the Clown
Ruthless humiliation and senseless, near-ritualistic physical violence are performed by a surly clown with a drinking problem.
Return of Patches
After a stint in rehab, a newly dried-out clown quickly reasserts cruel hegemony over his liver.
Patches Rides the Rail
Inexplicably still in costume, an unpopular out-of-work clown hops trains and enjoys various adventures (or crimes, depending upon differing jurisdictional definitions).
Drunk Guy on the Train
Inebriated male caucasian, middle-aged—possibly a clown?—kisses passengers both female and male, leaving their faces smeared with brightly colored unknown substances. Request backup. Over.
Convict Man
Each week two ordinary adults are allowed to experience the U.S. corrections system, unaware that their fellow convicts have been told that the new fish on the cell block are serial ChoMos.
Tell Me Where He Lies
The FBI continues to investigate empty holes for traces of Jimmy Hoffa, the late Teamster leader.
One Day I Will Kill You
Contestants try to guess the date of their assassination by a professional mercenary hired by the network. The winner's immediate family is spared reprisal.
She's Gone Gongwindu
The search continues for three girls who went native and disappeared from the island location of Survivor.
Dad, Why Did My Friends Explode?
Fathers are afforded legal immunity and the opportunity to secretly plant explosive devices beneath the cars of their child's two most irritating companions.
Jimmy's Grave
Forensic specialists examine the contents and artifacts dug up by the FBI from the many graves of Jimmy Hoffa, the late Teamster leader.
Burn, Lil' Debbie, Burn
Debbie Boone finally gets hers, as elevator riders are chosen at random to light up her life.
Spot Where They Gunned Him Down
Contestants are bussed to sites of recent gunshot homicides and challenged to distinguish fake blood spatter from genuine.
Whereabouts Unknown
Federal investigators continue their massive, decades-long search for Daniel Simpson Day.
No description available at press time.