Celebs, Near-Celebs, Whodahellizzats
Scheduled to Appear at Alice Cooper's
Golf Thingy

Adrian Young - Drummer from No Doubt (?). There is some doubt about this.

Ann Ligouri - Sportscaster. Wrote A Passion for Golf. About Chicken Soup for the Golf Soul, she wrote, "This book will make you laugh and cry. Like the sport of golf, it will evoke every emotion inside." Clearly, an idiot. NEXT!

Bruce Jenner - Survivor of plastic surgery.

Burton "Bubba" Gilliam - Character actor. Guy from the Pace Picante commercials ("NOO YAWK CITEH?!?!?"). Will try to keep him from speaking.

Cheech Marin - Long-time marijuana activist.

Chris Kirkpatrick - From 'N Sync (?). Mercifully, Wagner will probably not recognize him.

Chuck Woolery - Weren't you married to JoAnne Pflug? No Love Connection there, Chuckie. (But who knew there was such a thing as a headphone fetish?)

Craig Foughy - No results on Google. Even Oobi comes up on Google. Craig, phooey! Come on, Alice!

Dan Majerle - Phoenix restaurateur.

Dave Krieg - "The most underrated player in NFL history."

Dave Mustaine - Megadeathster.

Dick Butkus - Former football player, principally remembered by kids, who could never let a name like that be forgotten. "Dick ... huh huh ... Butt ... kiss ... huh huh huh."

Elke Sommer - A Baroness. Wagner like!

Eric Dickerson - Football guy. What a great idea it is for football cards to picture players with their helmets on. Lends that human touch we all associate with football.

Fred Williamson - Former football player, sometime actor. According to his agent: "Fred Williamson is known for coming at you hard with in-your-face action." Apparently he did this in the October 1973 issue of Playgirl.

Gilby Clarke - Guns n' Roses guitarist. He will look happier tonight than he does here.

Glen Campbell - His guitar graced several Beach Boys songs, his acting nearly ruined True Grit. Had a variety show in the 70s. (But then, who didn't? The Starland Vocal Band -- who brought us "Afternoon Delight" -- had one, which means they had as many television shows as they had hit songs.)

Hal Greer - "The only black West Virginia native enshrined in a major sports hall of fame."

James Hampton - From HAWMPS! A must for Wagner.

Jim Labriola - His stand-up comedy will set you back from two to five grand.

John Lodge - Breathe deep the gathering gloom / Watch donors flee from every room.

John Mendoza - Comedian. "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" No, John. I don't. Can Alice trade you for John Melendez?
Or maybe he is this John Mendoza. Better bring a Deuce of Clubs, just in case.

John O'Hurley - Professional celebrity golf tournament appearer.

Jonathan Elias - Either a musician or a local weatherman. Whichever.

Ken Kerman - "Once a sergeant in the Englewood, New Jersey, Police Special Unit, Ken has rarely missed a `beat' since he turned in his badge for a career in acting." Har. "Ken is an avid golfer on the celebrity golf circuit and will be doing some straight shooting on the greens during the 1999 Donna Reed Celebrity Golf Tournament."

Kevin Sorbo - "Hi, I'm Kevin Sorbo. You may remember me from such humiliations as Posing With Wagner."

Lisa Dalton - Another celebrity golf tournament circuit regular. Beginning to see how this works.

Lyle Waggoner - The muscle behind Carol Burnett.

Mark Cordes - The comedian after whom Cordes Junction, Arizona is not named. Two other notable facts about Mark Cordes: (1) his name requires the definite article: "MarkCordes.com is the official website of the Mark Cordes," and (2) he is "terrifically funny and clean" (according to the Indianapolis Herald, and who would know better?).

Mickey Jones - The man with the fresh-smelling breath.

Michael Finney - "Michael Finney is magician and stand-up comedian rolled into one." Wonder which one saddled him with the mullet?

Mike "Black Jack" Wilson - Thought he was a comedian, until I read this: "I don't care if boobs are fake... my hands are still real aren't they?"

Nate Prevost - No Google. Maybe his name is misspelled.

Nehl Bobal - From an online standup comedy magazine called SHECKY! comes the heartwarming story of Nehl Bobal: In the current issue, comic Nehl Bobal, who supported his early adventures in stand-up as a doorman in Atlantic City, is subjected to a smart, funny interview - Shecky! style. A fan of Steve Martin's, doorman Bobal asked the comic actor for an autograph. Martin never looked at Bobal. After signing a piece of paper, the stern performer thrust the autograph into the surprised doorman's chest. Bobal threw the autograph into the trash next to Martin and walked away. ''I got revenge the next day,'' said Bobal. ''I was at the front door when Steve Martin came out. Instead of walking over to assist him I stood by the phone and waited for him to walk over to me ... not looking at him. He approached and said, `Will you check on my limo?' While still on the phone, I said, `I'll need your name.' He replied, `Martin.' I said, `I need your last name!' He said, `Martin.' The limo pulled up and waited there until he went to the driver to see if it was his ride. I assume he got in ... I wasn ' t looking.''

Neil Lomax - Another ex-footballer.

Pat Boone - Sang the theme song for The Osbournes. Say hi to Kelly for us, will you, Pat?

Paul Gleason - The guy who probably gets mistaken for Peter Riegert by near-sighted people with sand in their eyes. "Reportedly owns (or owned) a resturant." He was in Private Duty Nurses, though, so there is hope.

Richard Karn - The other unfunny mook who stole camera time from Pamela Anderson and Debbie Dunning.

Richard Roundtree - I AM TALKING ABOUT SHAFT MUTHASCRATCHA. (Wagner is very excited. He, too, is talking about Shaft.)

Scooter McGruder - Played twelve years in the NFL; could have just shot his parents instead.

Scott Benson - Google knows lots of Scott Bensons. Wagner doesn't know any.

Scott Flansberg - Damn. Initially read that as John Flansburgh. Instead, it's, The Human Calculator: We Put the `A' in Math, AS SEEN ON TV." Calculate Wagner's Human Misery, AS SEEN ON HIS FACE.

Scott Pasmore - Pathetic local TV hack.

Stephen Root - Kicked ass in Office Space. Maybe Wagner can get him to kick Scott Pasmore's ass. Hey, just found this: "I Was Goosed By Stephen Root!" Better watch yer ass tonight, Scott Pasmore.

Steve Halden - No clue.

Steve Ontiveros - "Led Seibu in batting four consecutive years."

"Super Dave" Osborne - Crank Yanker. Needs to clear his throat, for god's sake.

Tico Torres - Drums for famous actor Jon Bon Jovi.

Tom Hallick - Actor popular with old people.

Vida Blue - Former baseball player. Far cooler than the stinky hippy band of the same name. "Showing rare good judgment, he declined several thousands of dollars in bonus money offered by A's owner Charlie Finley if the left-hander would legally change his name to `True Blue.'"