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Those Unbelievable Believers:
The Blessed Sounds of
Incredible Christian Song Demos

Introduction
Treasures in Heaven
Hot Summer Nights
That's Peculiar!
I Am A Man; What Does That Mean?
Jesus Is About to "Rap" This Up
Oh Lord (Intro)
O Nightingale
Awr Gawd Izz An Awrsum Gawd
We Are the Champions (of God)
His Eye Is on the Sparrow
Christ in Me Is To Live
Chock Full of Love
Satan, You Lost, Lost, Lost
Soul Saved Tonight
Amazing Grace
We Want to Fish for Men
God, Give the Devil the Measles
Holy Jerusalem
Come Back, America!
The Safe Sex Is Just a Fantasy Rap
Want More of a Tangy Yangy Yang
Thank You, God

 

Totally how another crazy piece of religious music got started

Those Unbelievable Believers:
The Blessed Sounds of
Incredible Christian Song Demos

Brought to you by Deuce of Clubs

#20 — "The Safe Sex Is Just a Fantasy Rap" (1:56)

The clear winner of some church council's How Comically Ridiculously Graphic Can You Be? contest. Earlier I labeled Big A a white rapper, regardless of actual skin color. Now I must bump Big A down a rung or two on the whitest rapper scale.

Remember that rap that Ted Danson did on Cheers, when he was trying to be a sportscaster? The one with, "G-g-g-g-GROIN in-ju-RY!"? The safe sex rap is even whiter than that.

L I B R E T T O   N O T E   FOR   R E A D E R S
O F   J I M   T H O M P S O N

A reproductive zone is roughly equivalent to the High-Speed Wiry Zone. No thanks necessary. Always happy to be a light in the theological darkness. (Just be happy you're not an Italian Jim Thompson reader, like Anna Martini living in a noirness that forced her to inquire publicly: "Chi ha una traduzione decente da proporre per *wiry zone* . . . ?")

Avec ou sans Jim Thompson, make way for the alabaster street stylings of . . . some really white pastor or other, I guess.

(Right-click to download this song)

Safe sex is just a fantasy
You'll lose more than virginity
Thousands catch an STD each day
So if you're smart, you're gonna say "No way!"
When you have sex with just one lover
You're having sex with ALL the others
That he or she has had sex with
So even one time, you're still at risk
For herpes simplex
Virus, too
Venereal warts
Just to name a few
Of the forty plagues
Called STDs
Sexually! Trans! Mitted! Disease!
Yo!
Safe sex is just a fantasy
You'll lose more than virginity
Thousands catch an STD each day
So if you're smart, you're gonna say "No way!"

Gonorrhea leaves very few clues
To millions who have a lot to lose
It attacks their organs, tissue and bones
And damages reproductive zones
Syphilis claims thousands each year
Little red dots soon disappear
But it keeps on growin' inside of your brain
You could end up blind, or even insane
'Cos safe sex is just a fantasy
You'll lose more than virginity
Thousands catch an STD each day
So if you're smart, you're gonna say "No way!"

Chlamydia strikes mult-millions
Worst side effect is: stillborn children
One out of four who gets this disease
Give up their chance to even conceive
AIDS has killed a quarter million
A million more could soon be chillin'
It doesn't just kill the high and gay
No! Teens are the highest risk today
'Cos safe sex is just a fantasy
You'll lose more than virginity
Thousands catch an STD each day
So if you're smart, you're gonna say "No way!"

Treasures in Heaven (Intro)Hot Summer NightsThat's Peculiar!I Am A Man; What Does That Mean?Jesus Is About to "Rap" This UpOh Lord (Intro) O NightingaleAwr Gawd Izz An Awrsum GawdWe Are the Champions (of God)His Eye Is on the SparrowChrist in Me Is To LiveChock Full of LoveSatan, You Lost, Lost, LostSoul Saved TonightAmazing GraceWe Want to Fish for MenGod, Give the Devil the MeaslesHoly JerusalemCome Back, America!The Safe Sex Is Just a Fantasy RapWant More of a Tangy Yangy YangThank You, God

Totally how another crazy piece of religious music got started

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