Those Unbelievable Believers:
The Blessed Sounds of
Incredible Christian Song Demos
With theological commentary by Deuce of Clubs
E V E R Y O N E K N O W S
that desperate wannabe gospel entertainers are not the only desperate wannabe entertainers who will do or say just about anything to try to wow record company executives. But not everyone knows that the gospel ones are among the funniest.
Let's fix that.
L O , T H E S E S O N G S , H Y M N S & S P I R I T U A L S O N G S
did fall into mine hands. And behold, I did fall upon them, as one that is an hungered. And now, you may go thou and do likewise.
Herein contained are the sounds of aspiring spreaders of BS (Blessed Sounds) trying to get their songs out there. And they succeeded. Bless every one of their god-intoxicated insane little hearts, they succeeded. For verily I say unto you, the 22 recordings to which you will give ear are, indeed, Out There.
Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, all up into your bosom,
O U T T H E R E .
Although, with apologies to literalists,
N O T L I T E R A L L Y .
That is, so far as I know, none of these songs has been previously released into the wild. At least not by any record companies. But truly, all I know about these songs and their artists, including the song titles, is what I could glean from listening to them. Hearken ye unto them and glean away; should you have further information, like the common people I would hear you gladly. But now,
A N O L D E N T Y M E T H E O L O G I C A L J E S T :
Q: Why were the Sadducees grumpy?
A: Because they didn't believe in resurrection. So they were sadyou see?
I don't know how to set up a joke so that the punchline is odd, you see, but odd is what this gospel musical odyssey is. You'll see. Some of the demos featured here include intros of especial interest. You may recall having heard a taped gospel demo intro by the manic-depressive gospel belter Sister Wynona Carr, or perhaps even the mythical moebius strip music-biz solicitations of the just plan manic czar of J & H Productions. Like those notorious intros, the gospel demo song intros here tend to follow the
T R A D I T I O N A L G O S P E L D E M O
S O N G S T R U C TU R E :
B) Some more middle
A) And . . . back to the beginning
B) Middle, middle, middle
B) More middle until you almost can't believe it, then:
C) Conclusion . . . or:
B) More middleit gets hard to tell
B) Definitely more middle stuff here, finally shading to either
A) A New Beginning, or
C) [Missing conclusion].
D) it's time to take your meds, or
E) the voices in your head finally admit that it's at least possible that you might have gotten across your impossibly opaque message. Maybe.
On second thought, better repeat it one more time. Can't be too sure, where divine visions are concerned.
M Y G O A L FOR T H I S W E B S I T E
F I R S T L Y ,
to "share," as churchfolk say, these mind-bending works with an ecumenical, non-sectarian, completely indiscriminate willy-nilly public, and
SECON D LY ,
to collect at least one cease-and-desist order from each artist represented and thereby be forced to shut down the website. Selah.
For if I do not stop trying to figure out these xtian song lyrics, I'm liable to end up as a deranged gospel singer, trying to J & H Production a bunch of gospel record companies myself.
( I N N O V A T I N G L Y ,
I'll bet no one's used J & H Production as a verb before.)
A W O R D OR TWO ON LACUNAE
1.) The occurrence of [ ] among the lyrics denotes textual lacunae, for which reader Michael Ventrisization would be appreciated.
2.) The inclusion of only 22 out of what must be thousands of these gospel demos out there means it's a boon for us all if you have any you're willing to send in, that they might be gathered unto their own.
N O N - L A C U N A - R E L A T E D N O T E
T O D I L I G E N T X T I A N S:
In the context of this website, demos is intended to be understood as an English word, rather than a Greek one.
S O , N O W . . .
let's get started with our first mind-bender, Portland, Oregon's own Judy.
Muchas gracias to Mister F for the source and to RobbL for hosting the mp3s for us.