To Deuce of Clubs index page Autographed copies of Adventures with the Mojave Phone Booth are now available!

Autographed copies of Adventures with the Mojave Phone Booth are now available!

From: fingers
Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1999
Subject: hey man! I was trying to think of an e-mail message you'd want to post on your site

God Bless you for trying to spread the gospel to the world. Wagner's trip to the Holy Land was entertaining and it did my soul a lot of good.

I for one will be covering your website with prayer.

Remember it's not head knowledge, but heart knowledge that really counts.

Have a godly day,


so let it be written, so let it be done

From: Jessica
Subject: thanks
Date: Sat, 23 Jan 1999

I'm working on a Saturday (can't you tell)

this site exists to eat up billable time

and found your site. Actually I was trying to find the site for Far Flung Adventures and stumbled on your dumbass in the drink. Most excellent recovery. I give you a 10. :-)

danke. a word of warning: don't buy video of your trip from those dorks at the origination point. the tapes are of very poor quality -- mine wouldn't run in one vcr and gummed up another (it *still* doesn't work!). but the trip was a blast.

have fun but remember -- as chef said in apocalypse now -- "never get off the boat! never get off the boat!"

BTW Wagner was best buds with my favorite King -- Ludwig. I pretended I was dancing with him once in the Hall of Mirrors at Chemsee (ok so I was weird at 12)

wagner has been to lud's castle

Date: Sat, 23 Jan 1999
From: Erik Wegweiser
Subject: Warped items / Gallery of the Absurd

Hello! Well, it was an interesting, yet still incomplete tour of your site and just have to drop you a line to say "wow!" We seem to have a few things in common... like Rookie Sticks, Anna Russell, "Doc" Edgerton... and a peculiar sense of perception. I loved your "items" page. Please do feel free to visit my "Gallery of the Absurd" pages, which I'm sure you'll enjoy, too.

Date: Thu, 21 Jan 1999
From: Sasquatch
Organization: Maltomedia

speaking of drinks, have you found any cocktails that mix well with your pneumonia meds?


no alcohol with penicillin!

From: Extremo the Clown
Date: Wed, 20 Jan 1999

I think I saw Wagner at Art Car Fest 98.

yes, you did. i took some photos of him posing among your automotive fountains

Anyhow, I really like the "What R you looking for" page. I am a window painter living in Portland Oregon. Last year I was working about 100 miles north of Portland in Centralia Wash. painting a taco bell window with a penguin eating a CHOCO TACO.

yikes. have you been to confession yet?

They offered me a free one to try this new taste treat ice cream confection, I politely refused.

ah. that will do.

See Ya!
Extremo the Clown

Date: Sun, 10 Jan 1999
From: Eric Templeton
Subject: (no subject)



[the following is a recent deuce of clubs pop quiz and a stab at an answer by brody culpepper:]

came across this sentence tonight. can you guess the writer (that is, *without* using the web)?

"We cannot but pity the boy who has never fired a gun; he is no more humane, while his education has been sadly neglected."

no prizes are offered.

Date: Wed, 06 Jan 1999
From: Brody Culpepper
Organization: Bigrig Industries
Subject: Re: firearms quiz

My first thought was that it was Cliff, but since there was not a single 'F' word in the statement, I doubted my first inclination.

I'm still guessing. Mohandas K. Ghandi, perhaps? P.W. Botha? Shirley Jones?

nope. henry david thoreau, in walden

By the way, I visited your 'site' yesterday. I guess it's like Las Vegas, you really can't see it all in the first visit.

and, also like vegas, one gets a sick, empty feeling after visiting. SUCKERS!

What I was looking for is perhaps the ONLY thing NOT on your web - Wanda Jackson!

you did not look hard enough, amigo

I know you have a mild 'thing' for her (Hey, so did a young, lean Elvis), and I thought you'd have all your quips, amusing anecdotes, celebrity stories, photos and autographs on the site. Did I miss something, or are you getting lazy? I need the straight dope, she plays here on Saturday.


i may be getting lazy, but you did miss something

From: Luvzombee
Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1998
Subject: People In Card Houses Shouldn't Eat Twang. . .

Good Morning. It's a little after midnight here in Fayetteville, Arkansas. December the second, and it got to 67 degrees here today. Freakish. But not unwholy pleasant. Which brings me to the topic of Twang.

Twang has a strong cult following here. I'm a mucis student, and I buy pickle Twang by the tens of dollars worth all of the time. Those who take it are either hooked for life or scared out of their pants that someone would sell something so torturous, never mind the people who actually buy the stuff. . .

Most of the tuba players here use it much like Popeye used his spinach; only when the really need it, when it could be a matter of losing that thin woman of their dreams (or, if nothing else, their place in the marching band show. We put it on apples. Mmm. . .).

Most people come to me like I'm some sort of drug dealer, because the pickle flavor is so hard to get. I don't bother to tell them that they can request their own order form and buy it bulk; I enjoy the attention, to tell you the truth, and I'm sure the product enjoys the mystique that come from only being able to get it from this big tuba player on campus.

Most people, if not all, make a great face the first time. :-)

Let me know if there's anything else you want me to share with you; I'd be happy to. We make some cocktails that involve Twang. Let me know if you want them.

From: Krishna
Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1998
Subject: New Year

Before I looked in the paper today, I was planning on doing a whole lot of nothing on this New Year's Eve. Lo and behold, Deadbolt streaks into town for a wild night a Stinky's Peep Show. Them and some other acts that promise female nudity and assorted hijinks. So, I might go there. Or not. I've got to get my gear together and see if I can't convince the girlfriend, or even just my friend Joel out to see the boys.

The Platinum Club seems pretty dispersed on this holiday - not a big surprise. Absinthia is holding a Hangover Brunch that sounds pretty dandy, but Michelle (the girlfriend) has to look for a new car (old one totalled on Christmas Eve - the car LOOKS fine, it's just that the frame has gone all wonky) and I've got to go find a new place to live, gosharnit. I remember those happy, happy times when I was actually interviewing people to move IN. Dammit.

Ah well, I thought you'd wanna see this:

Thursday December 31 1:03 PM ET

Oh, God: Amy Grant Marriage on Rocks

A sad chapter to add to Amy Grant's storybook life.

Confirming rumors, the Christian/pop singer and husband Gary Chapman announced their separation Wednesday after 16 years of marriage.

"They both ask for your prayers during this sad time and hope that you would respect their privacy," a statement from the couple's management company said.

No divorce papers have been filed. But a split has been whispered about--in Nashville and on the Internet--for months.

Grant, 38, and Chapman, 41, wed in 1982. They have three children, ranging in age from 11 to 6.

Grant is one of contemporary Christian music's leading crossover artists. Her recording career spans back to the late 1970s, when she released her first album at age 17.

Chapman is a singer/songwriter. He hosts Prime Time Country on cable's TNN.

(yahoo news)

(I wanted to hear something about her mandible in the bio, but what can you expect?) Say, how did the mandible project go? It didn't have anything do with her marriage....or did it?


From: GoPetunia
Date: Wed, 30 Dec 1998
Subject: howdy

Here's an interesting little story....Ya don't know me, and probably haven't heard of me. I've been on the platinum martini club mail list for a while, but have not been one of the more....well, vocal participants, shall we say....

But I'm an old friend of Brody Culpepper's, and an old (tho somewhat newer) friend of Rusty Blazenhoff and some of the other folks. Anyhow, your name comes up all the time in the mailings, either as the instigator or responder on all kinds of zany hi-jinks, so I'm starting to learn some of the names...

Cut to the chase: Okay. I'm a music writer, see, and I just got assigned to write a piece about Wanda Jackson, see, and when beginning my RIGOROUS and thorough research on the rockabilly filly (ie, typing her name into the Alta Vista search window), your site on her was one of the first that came up. Hence, my world gets a little smaller....

So I'm looking for inspirations, angles, suggestions of people to contact for quotes, etc...Any ideas or insights? And why are so many of her on-line tributes in Polish, anyways?

Going to the Bimbo's show, I'd imagine? Bringing the bust of Wagner? Should be fun... So let me know if you've got any brilliance to share with me...If it's good stuff, I'll buy ya a drink at the show!


hmm ... i don't think i have any special inspirations for you ... unless you've never heard "funnel of love" -- in which case, you will want to do so at your earliest opportunity. then pawn whatever you must in order to get bribe money to persuade ms. j to sing it at the show. she's a little stockier than she used to be (!) but she still belts 'em out & puts on a good show. just don't put a statue in front of her unless you want to freak her out

From: mikel
Date: Sun, 03 Jan 1999
Subject: Rockabilly Psychosis and the Garage Disease

Hi, Can you please tell me what the track listing is to: Rockabilly Psychosis and the Garage Disease

thanks a lot.

the track list is available at cdnow:

Date: Fri, 01 Jan 1999
From: Bubba Kornfield
Organization: Bigrig Industries
Subject: Well, well, well, look what Wagner finally got,

I was reading today's paper, it states that Amy Grant has seperated from her husband of 16 years. I guess Wagner at last got what he wanted: Amy Grant all to his lonesome. He better be cautious though, rebound chicks are bad.


don't i know it! (but maybe wagner doesn't)

From: JFancher
Date: Tue, 29 Dec 1998
Subject: DeadBolt

Hey, great site. I glad to see someone els who likes deadbolt. If you know anymore links to deadbolt web pages please let me know. THanks

(for more deadbolt stuff, see below)

Date: Mon, 28 Dec 1998
Subject: Hiyas... where is it?

Hi there.. just found yer site... really cool :) I found it cuz I was looking for negro songs, and there is an album you list but I cannot find it... can you give me any ideas as to where I might be able to get it? It's the one at this part of your site: Negro Prison Songs and Blues.

I appreciate any info ;)

tower records has it for only $8.99

good deal for a good cd.

Thank you SO much!!! I love that music :)

Josephinne V

From: Jeff Morris
Subject: Hey
Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998

Just when I was wondering if there are any sick bastards out there besides me who actually GET Deadbolt I come across your piece from Yuma. Gotta tell you, I can empathize with you. I spent some couch time with Harley when they came through town last year. He is the real deal.

got that right

i just added some more deadbolt stuff yesterday

& did you see the one where they shaved my head?

"Gun control means hitting what you're aiming at."-Charlton Heston

-Guy Caballero aka Jeff Morris

i remember gc from sctv. hope u still get outta that wheelchair from time to time

Date: Sun, 27 Dec 1998
From: sparhawk
Subject: Gum Wrapper Ring

Hey I am trying to learn to make a gum wrapper ring. It seems I am not the only one with the idea to use it for an engagement ring. If you know how to make them, I would appreciate you telling me how.


rob, if you can't figure it out, you're too young to get married.

Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998
From: George Riddle
Organization: Ministry of Universal Wisdom
Subject: Ministry memo/Query

Good Day! I like your interview/site of D. Boone,

at first i thought you were talking about the guy from the minutemen

and would like to contact him. Do you know how?

'fraid not. you could try our approach: bring two cars & strand them in front of his place

I am the Chairperson for the Ministry of Universal Wisdom &The College of Universal Wisdom &The Brotherhood of the Cosmic Christ

... and you're asking *me* for information?!

and would like to open communications with him,if that is possible.Thank You for your attention.

George S. Riddle

Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998
From: Lawrence O'Neal Rouse
Organization: The Graphic Overflow
Subject: Integraton Picture on a new CD

Has nice original picture of the Integratron and Giant Rock on CD cover. Cool eclectic mix of desert fried rock and roll.

[I went to the guy's site, but there was just a scan of a CD cover with a woman's chest.]

have the integratron and giant rock morphed into boobs? i see a cover with boobs. this is not what i mean by "giant rock"


that's what i say!

From: Christopher L. Crossfield
Subject: Puppet Koolers
Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1998

Are you interested in selling any of the Puppet Koolers you had pictured on your itemized list?

i think i'm going to hold onto them. they're weird & i like them.

If not, do you know where to find them at? Just curious

i found them at macfrugal's (in some places i think it's still called pic `n' save). it was a total fluke. you might try contacting macfrugal's corp headquarters -- they may have laid up a secret stockpile against an eventual nuclear holocaust when, absent the availability of coin & currency, slushees could become the new mode of exchange.

From: Robbie Brady
Date: Sun, 20 Dec 1998
Subject: Are you Deuce?

yes, i am deuce

There was a night club named Deuce in Jackson, TN, where I went to college.

there is also a night club named Deuce in pennsylvania

Just coincidence??????????


Just wondering


(this next letter came into the offices of POPsmear Magazine, in which my article about the Mojave Phone Booth was reprinted:)
Dear Editors;

For months, I've been admiring your layout, the ads, and pictures of naked chicks smattered everywhere. Once I read an article that was brilliant - about the phone booth out in the desert which some writer called regularly until one day someone finally answered.

Then I became unemployed and began actually reading the damn thing - out of that same geist which forces one to look auto accidents and suicides - and I've decided that there is no magazine out today with more self-referential drivel, prurient pandering, and irrelevance developed into a state of art. Does anyone actually read POPsmear? And if so, why? And am I complimenting you or insulting you? I'm not sure myself.

Alex Todorovic
Los Angeles

Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1998
From: Olivia Henderson
Subject: a new item for "prison outlet"?

ARRESTING FASHIONS: Men who are slaves to fashion may find themselves wearing wrist bracelets to boot. Milwaukee retailers say the hottest selling menswear item is a bright orange Milwaukee County Jail jumpsuit. It costs 69 dollars. Store managers can't keep them in stock. Buyers beware. Several men wearing the outfits have spent hours in police custody while officials conducted a count to make certain the fashion plates weren't escapees.

another tucson-bound bicycle trip looms -- end of january ... but i'll be careful not to wear a "carrotsuit" (as my prison guard bro-in-law informs me they are called) while riding through florence

Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1998
From: Mantler
Subject: Twang

God bless you for your Twang article. A thing of beauty, indeed!

The only thing I can add is that one night, I sprinkled a little Twang on each and every sip of beer I took (and I took far too many sips that night, not to mention that the beverage in question was Lone Star beer). I awoke the following morning in excruciating pain stemming from the fact that I had essentially pickled my stomach. It took me far too long to deduce this. No amount of antacids had any effect, so I basically suffered the icepick-like stabs of pain until my stomach chemistry returned to normal. Incredible pain.

Other than that, I think TWANG rules.

chronic stomach pain is a small price to pay for a product with such a cool name

Damn straight. Flavored salt. Unbelievable. A hint: if you want to get the "extra" kick that we all know Twang can provide, smoke it (snorting doesn't work).

stupid me, here i've just been mixing in cocaine ...

From: Donna Prosser
Date: Sun, 13 Dec 1998

What's so whacked about becoming a God?

i've never heard of anyone who seemed a worthy candidate. most people aren't even good at being humans.

It's alot better than just siting in Heaven all day with a harp and shouting for the infinite eternities "Praise Jesus!"

haven't tried it, but maybe it would be fun. beats working for a living.

I'd rather be productive anyway, not stagnant.

i guess that beats working, too


From: SirZadok
Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1998
Subject: Looking for Jennifer DuQuesnay Kirk...Orchard...?

I am a very old friend of Jennifer's and am thinking of her over the holidays. I ran into your website and thought you might be the reknowned Deuce that she knew and lived with. Are you? I am Erron Callahan from New Orleans (Metairie) and would love to get back in touch with her. Thanks if you can help...and if otherwise, Merry Christmas, anyway! No, I am not affiliated with any law enforcement agency. Yes, she owes me and the rest of the world money, but I've long given up hope, so I am not a bill collector, just a name from her past looking for her once again.

nope. different Deuce, apparently. but you're the second person to send mail about her within a week. so at least that explains the other e-mail i received

owes you & the rest of the world money, eh? wow, sounds like some women i know

good luck

Date: Sun, 13 Dec 1998
From: Dr. Cliff's Lawyer
Subject: Cujo

Where the fuck is my cat. I didn't put her in a can for nothing. I am deeply saddened by the lack of Cujo on your website. Of course, maybe I'm just retarded and can't find her. Whatever, she deserves a place in cyber-eternity.

you're not retarded, i just haven't done that whole section (that trip) yet. i'll put you on the update list & you'll know as soon as it's up. i would never slight the honored cujo. nope.
[Update, 04jan2007: The reappearance of Cujo]

Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1998
From: Dr. Cliff's Lawyer
Subject: Re: Cujo -Reply

Don't be so sure I'm not retarded. I think I was drunk when I sent you that e-mail (big surprise). I had no memory of it until I read your reply. Good to hear from you. Keep me posted.

Cujo lives on. Death to all who stand in her way.


From: Pete Forbes
Organization: Stemming Music
Subject: questionnaire?

Where is the questionnaire on your site - the one you sent to all the countries about freedom - I couldn't find it.

oops, should have had the questions there from the start. well, they're there now. danke.

From: IDJOH1
Date: Mon, 7 Dec 1998
Subject: Wagner-Missouri?

I read the article about the many whereabouts of Wagner and I was wondering if Wagner has ever seen Missouri before?

only st. louis, as far as i can remember

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