To Deuce of Clubs index page Autographed copies of Adventures with the Mojave Phone Booth are now available!

Autographed copies of Adventures with the Mojave Phone Booth are now available!

[I sent the following query to biologist at large, Bigrig Brody, Ph.D.]

hey brody

some toad or frog or something made thousands of tadpoles in an abandoned hot tub nearby that has water in it. lots of them are dying--how can one make it more hospitable for them. for example, what do they eat? the hot tub is full of old broken lightbulbs, aol cd-roms, and any other old junk i didn't think i'd need again. just now i threw them a huge sewer roach. do they want anything like that?

granola, guns, nancy sinatra!

From: Bigrig Industries
Organization: Bigrig Industries
Subject: Re: tadpoles


Being the rainy season, and also the time d'Amor for toads, don't be surprised that you're one lucky papa! They are either western or red spotted toads (Bufo boreas or B. punctatus), or perhaps the wily and reclusive spadefoot toad (Scaphiopus sp.). The spadefoot ONLY energes once a year- to breed - and spend the rest of their lives underground. Enough of the science lesson.

Toad tadpoles feed on algae (suspended algae particles or slicks of the stuff) and other organic detritus. If there is no algae or nutrient-rich muck at the bottom of the pool, they don't have anything to eat. Also, they are VERY intolerant of toxins or chemicals in the water, and it sounds like the spa is now a refuse pit. Thus, any crap, pesticides, petroleum by-products, chlorine, polymers, etc. (even in seemingly minute quantities) will eventually kill them. If there are too many tadpoles, and little mixing of the water and no aquatic plants, they may be depleting the oxygen. In the tadpole stage, they breathe through gills, and as the grow, they need more and will compete with each other for the remaining dissolved oxygen. Lastly, if the pool is exposed to full sun all day long, it may be getting too hot for too long. Long-term exposure to high heat could kill them. Also, high heat also helps to deplete the oxygen in the water.


  1. Feed them - store bought fish food, especially flake food high in plant matter that is ground into a powder - can be added as supplemental food.

  2. Clean the water - Changing any potential toxic water may make a cleaner home for them, but be careful. Some urban water districts all a substance called Chloramine to the drinking water, and this may also be toxic to the tadpoles. Most aquarium stores and pet shops carry a low-cost chemical that removes chloramine from the water.

  3. Partially cover the pool - A piece of plywood may give enough shade to prevent overheating from the beating rays of the desert sun

  4. Aerate - using a small fish-tank bubbler or air pump may supply enough oxygen for all the little critters to live and breathe happily.

  5. Move them - find a nice, clean pond off in the country to re-locate the tadpoles. Even a duck pond in a park or petting zoo would give them ample space and food to grow.

  6. Don't give a fuck - let the damn toads deal with it. You didn't invite them in, dammit, so they can take their own kids and go to hell! But remember, all wildlife (including toads) are protected under Arizona Game and Fish regulations - although I doubt they'll come a-knockin'. More impotantly, populations of amphibians are steeply declining worldwide, and especially in Arizona, human encroachment, pollution, and habitat disturbance is rapidly diminishing the population of native critters. Give these little fellas a chance, and some day they might just save your life (although I'm not exactly sure how...)

Stay groovy,

P.S. - these are not the type of toads used in 'toad licking'. They won't get you high, just make you sick.

save my life? are you suggesting some sort of androcles / lion scenario?

aw, screw 'em. i'll take my chances & leave them to theirs.

From: Breezie
Subject: burn that man


todd elliott over at WIRED told me about your site! i am moving from DC to central cali at the end of april. he told me we could hang out at "burning man" this summer. i asked him about it and he mailed me your site. love the farrah bit. i am thinkin about moving to either san fran or LA once i find a job from central. moving there to start out cuz i get free free for the summer. it is always easier to find a job when you don't have to worry about that! plus, i NEED to be on the west coast! this east coast crap is getting to me.

hope to see you at burning man this summer! :-)


From: Pete Forbes
Subject: Super pics

hey the superstition pics are great. I love the east view from flat iron.
your trip has inspired me - I gotta get up there. The newspaper photo on your niece was cool too!


From: Pacific Book Auction Galleries
Subject: Whipped Cream spotted

Reports have probably trickled your way already - WCAOD spotted in The Big Lebowski.


indeed they have, danke. in fact, i was forewarned, so when i spotted Whipped Cream & Other Delights on the big screen, i got so geeked that i missed a cameo by a pxl-2000 vidcam (another of my obsessions)!

From: Serene




From: Richard DuBose
Subject: Matt Gerson Shrine

Dear God (may I call you God?),

though it would be a fortunate country that had me as its president, it would be a misfortunate world indeed that had me as its god

I wanted to write and thank you for your fine treatment of my alltime most entertaining favorite movie critic Mister Matt Gerson. I especially enjoyed your photos of Matt because I can now associate a face with the voice I have so long pleasured in hearing on my Motorola.

I have always wondered if you took a copy of Matt's work and gave it to a high school grammer/English teacher if she would spontaneously combust?

i've tried to talk Audra into diagramming a 300+-word Matt sentence, but she says she doesn't have that kind of time. she also say's it's not possible. i'll ask her again.

When I was younger, we would burn strange herbs and inhale their vapors. Whilst doing this we would begin to speak in tongues and by golly I remember we would sound just like Matt!! Little did I know that I could have had a future in radio..

Your newest fan,

Richard DuBose

From: Juliet
Subject: 666

Deuce mah mahn,

Perhaps you don't remember me, but I was one of the Laughing Scorpioneers at BM; specifically, the gal with the Cherry Clan.

Just writing to tell you that your coverage of the Monticello episode made me hardy-har-har.

thanks. we endeavor to . . . well . . . never mind

Yeah, I know, like Jeeves, you endeavor to give satisfaction.... But unlike Jeeves, you will not bring us breakfast and shine our shoes. (not that I would want that supercilious prig running my life, anyway)

if you were bertie wooster you would!

You planning to make BM again this year? I remember your parting words to me (after I said that I doubted I would come again the next year). They were: This is my last year... see you next year.

and i meant every word! no, i'm not going. but i'll be there.

I still haven't decided. First I was going to Italy. Then it seemed that I was going to Jerusalem. Now I am thinking Mexico and New York, also Bolinas, California (aka HEAVEN ON EARTH! and with the best saloon in the west)

So I dunno if I'll have time or energy for BM, unless I just go and

SPECTATE (gasp!)

Anyway, my puppeteering troup is kaput and the stage burnt. I have turned to a different project (music box construction) not suited to the playa.


Just thought I'd drop a note to say howdy and tell you to keep up the good work. Nice knowing that I can always count on your site for a laugh...

Give Wagner a big smoochie-poo for me,

he doesn't like me to do that, so i'll shake his hand. wait, he doesn't have hands. well, i'll say "guten tag" for you, how's that?

From: Keith Ekiss
Subject: capstone cathedral

I did a search on Neil Frisbee's Capstone Cathedral and got your site.

it surprises me how many people are searching for neal frisby. on the web, i mean.

I went to high school with Farrell Frisbee, Neil's offspring. Farrell used to sit in science class and read "High Times." I once asked him, "What do you think of your father?" He looked up from his "High Times" and said, "He's a fake" then resumed reading.

I thought you might appreciate the anecdote.

Do you remember the Capstone Cathedral ads that ran on TV with the still photographs and the testimonial voice-overs? "I was born with crooked toes, the Reverend Frisbee prayed for my toes, now my toes are straight." That's a direct quote as near as I can remember it.

i remember those commercials very well. a couple of friends & i visited there one sunday just to see what it was like inside. there were only a couple of rows' worth of people there, but they were whoopin it up like a bunch of raindancers. they tried to get us to join (or even come closer--we were in the back row), but we said thanks, we'd prefer to stay put. neal did some healing, but it was hard to tell whether *anything* genuine was going on there. especially from the back row.

Thanks for the service.

Keith Ekiss
San Francisco, CA

From: Rusty Blazenhoff
Subject: 666

Bravo Deuce!

Just finished reading Mr. Dean's reply in the 666 story. Brody and I are practically in tears we are laughing so hard. What a perfect ending for your ongoing saga with the Monticello Drug company. "Porcelain bowl breaker" -- oh man, what a classic. And to think he thought you were Mr. Simple! I wonder what Mark thought about *that*. Keep up the good work Deuce. You are Bigrig approved.

Rusty Blazenhoff
Bigrig Industries

From: Lachlan Maclearn CONTRACTOR
Subject: Using the language they understand...

I can solve this problem for you "pronto".

Some years back, Mormon solicitations reached an all-time fevered pitch -- 8am, 9:30am, noon, mid-afternoon, just before dinner, just after dinner...etc.-- in my neighborhood

Obviously this provided more-than-ample opportunity to try various types of front door evangelical prophylaxis.

The best method?

1) Practice your basic east-indian/Pakistani accent ("Apu" on the Simpsons is an adequate template, should you not currently have the advantage of working for any of the myriad U.S. software houses -- where east Indians and Pakistanis are endemic).

Okay -- so your doorbell chimes -- you open the door, and there, to your horror is yet ANOTHER Mormon/Jehovah's Witness (pick your evangelical denomination).

2) Now, open your eyes as wide is humanly possible, stare directly, and maniacally into his/her/their eyes, grinning like an idiot, and with the thickest east-indian accent you can manage, repeat these words (trust'll only have to do this once...)

"Yes, well most greetingful hellos to you, weary traveler. Please to enter, most reverend sir/madam, so that we may discuss the thousand sacred vedas of the Koran -- of which, most worshipful sir/madam, I have multitude copies that you may distribute among your illustrious brethren, if only you will step this way, where my 14 sons and daughters may wash your body, head to toe, in Allah's name!!"

Your only remaining duty will be, of course, to extinguish the flames on your front steps resulting from the violence and speed of their departure...

From: JeckylBros
Subject: just some dude

i dont understand the wagner thing but its affiliated w/ space ghost so if you explain it to me, i might listen.

why do you think there's a wagner site, surfer boy? what isn't explained there isn't explainable.

From: Barbara Reece
Subject: wagner in phx

i stumbled on your wagner in phx pages through a friend of mine, but there was no link to them from your world wide wagner pages at cardhouse. don't take the wagner in phx pages away!

anyway, i grew up in phx, and seeing all those pictures of familiar places was a trip. i can't believe they tore down the kon-tiki!!

i grew up about two miles from the capstone cathedral, and amongst us that grew up there, there was a rumor that frisby's faithful believed that when judgement day came, they'd go to church, and god would simply unscrew the green pyramid on top of the building, reach in, scoop up the devout, and take them to heaven. salvation in a bottle!

your pages are groovy, and i'll be adding a link to world wide wagner from my cool links page at you rule. :)


From: Trish
Subject: Hiya!

Hey, Deuce!

Long time! I thought I'd cruise over to see what's new with your site and I see that you were in SF and you didn't even invite me to see Whip it! I coulda saved you some time finding Adrian Ruyle, too. I had a fling with him in '85 and remember all too well what he looks like.

(I met him when his Homage to Wagner and Vargas was parked near my house. I left a note on the windshield and invited him to a Wagner Society party and he showed up. . . . For the premier of the new SFO 1985 Ring, he drove my friends and me to the front door of the opera house in our gowns and tuxs and made the front page of the Chron the next day.) . . . . Small world, eh?

Soooo...are you going to Flagstaff for the Ring, or do you just like Wagner in the abstract?

i like wagner in the concrete. and in porcelain, too.

We're going to Cycle One and may stay for an encore.

i went last time, but there were compound disasters. i'm thinking of trying it again, but the tix won't be free this time....

Chow for now,

From: Muneeb Hassan

hi deuce, it's kent. don't be fooled by the email address, it's not mine and neither is this computer or the house i'm in or...well it's all another story. anyway, just bored and floating through, taking a break from reality here in pakistan. by the way did i tell you i'm in pakistan? here's the SSP part: check out our cheesey but effective webpage (and no jokes about rotary, please!):

later \\ the onion

From: Hesby
Subject: Time for me to act quick...

Finally booted the little woman out of town for the weekend. Yes, she actually does exist; she was just avoiding you. That way she doesn't have to lie when they call her to the witness stand. Honest girl, she is.

Taping the last Chess Show rerun today, "Checkers Impostors". After that, supposedly more live shows.

The devival is tomorrow. Actually the devival is EVERY tomorrow. Wait...

I'm ditching the biohazard bike idea, and I'm going to go for a biohazard hat instead. A fez would be perfect. Cannot document - Allison has the camera. It's probably best that way, otherwise I'd have to explain how I got her camera all covered in Slack. We'll just have to leave the photography to the Bigrig crew - they should be easy enough to find.

Might handcuff myself to my space-age metal briefcase just for the effect. Nobody better vomit in it.

This may not be news to you, but there is an off-Broadway musical called Das Barbecu that is a Texas-style remake of Wagnerian opera.

A package is headed toward Command Post Deuce. I hope you like braunschweiger.

Agent Hesby

From: Rusty
Organization: Bigrig Industries
Subject: Granny

Gosh Golly Good Gravy Deuce:

Oh, I just love Granny! (and Wagner isn't too bad either). What a sweetie. She's a real swell cottontopped oldenheimer.

Hey, we have a little package for you...will you be in Portland for the Subgenius Devival, March 14th? If not, we'll just send it to Tempe.

Brody was just in Tucson for the gem, mineral, and fossil show. But he didn't have time to play so he didn't call. But he did go to the Kon Tiki which is a very cool tiki restaurant/bar. He stole a menu. Live birds behind the bar.

Keep up the good slack

Rusty Blazenhoff

From: Mark Simple
Organization: Cardhouse
Subject: I love SWITZERS

The digital soil map of The Netherlands (scale 1:50,000) in vector form was rasterized using three sizes of raster cell and two different rasterizing methods. The rasterizing errors were estimated for several map sheets of different complexity using the double- conversion method, **** the Switzer method ***** and the Goodchild method. The relationship between the complexity of the maps, indicated by the boundary index, and the rasterizing error is presented as a regression equation. The double-conversion method provided a better estimation of the rasterizing error than the other two methods. Differences of less than 1 per cent were found between the rasterizing methods used.

Oddly enough, I'm implementing C code that will convert rasterized images to vector. I will call it THE UNSWITZER METHOD (even though it's not my algorithm, I have decided to name it myself).

From: "Tony Weitner"
Subject: wagner page

your Wagner page is garbage- get some respect sir and change the font. Sorry for the anger, but you, sir, have missed the boat--And I am under 30!

From: Regret
Subject: 666 cold preparation


The Walgreens by my house *Bay Area, Ca* carries 666 cold preparation.

it would seem that selected walgreens stores are the staging areas for the 666 hostile earth takeover--i also purchased a bottle recently at a walgreens here in phoenix.t

I tried a spoonfull at tastes horrid.

so tell me: do you now feel at all . . . beastly?


From: Ashley
Subject: time flies...


I happened upon your site today from artcars (I'm new in Houston and now I HAVE to go to the parade.) I came across it first thing this morning, and it is now 6:30pm - I spent my entire day at work today exploring your site!

wasting billable time is what deuce of clubs does best

There were moments where I was literally turning red and crying from trying to hold in my laughter! Thanks for the immensely enjoyable day! And I don't think I'm even close to seeing it all. You are in my official bookmark file of "Sites that KICK!" (As opposed to my bookmark file of "Sites that SUCK!") Are you coming to Houston again in '98? Hope so!


guess what? i just got back from houston this afternoon! i went to the opening of the new art car museum. sorry i missed you. but there'll be photos & text about my trip soon.

From: Kris S.
Subject: Whipped Cream +

Yay Deuce!

More! More! How the hell do you do it? I'm amazed at how much effort and skill you put into your page - but I still want more!

muchas dankes!

Any chance of getting a grant from the NEA?

wouldn't be able to accept it. deuce's website is a FREE website!

the new index is great. It 's become a real necessity now that the site has grown to such epic proportions.

I have two humble requests though...

How about a map of your travels?

funny you should mention it. it's already on my list--about item #9, i think. but i am going to do that, & your e-mail is just the spur i needed, danke

How about a full page scan of that duck postcard from "the center of the earth"?

for you? you bet. except i gotta find it first....

You the man,

Kris Sherman

From: Felicia

Your granny looks like a pistol! What a good grandson you are to make her famous.

From: Hillary Meister
Subject: Re: art car documentation

Cute. Heh... you can't beat Wagner's meat because he's just a bust??

From: pforbes

Grandma and wagner rocks!!

From: Agent Hesby

Great Deadbolt interview. The drunk chick was a seemingly vestigial part of the dialogue at first, but she soon took the interview to an entirely different dynamic. I'll have to remember to keep one or two around with me whenever I talk to the media.


From: beagleperson
Subject: new Hasil Adkins web page

Hey Deuce!

I thought you'd be interested in checking out my new Hasil Adkins web page ( I have included a link to your page.

Next time we talk to Haze, we'll give him your hey.


From: Deadbolt

Hey Deuce,
Thanks for making the trip to the show, it was cool meeting you and Fingers. Famous Sam's was a strange place, but we had a pretty good time, not the typical Deadbolt crowd.

We are still working on the art work for "Zulu Death Mask ". Should be out by early April. I'll keep you posted on any new news.

3rd Degree Burns

P.S. keep in touch!

From: Gail
Subject: Area 51


Would you be interested in a trek to wack-nut Mecca, Area 51? I just got permission from my wife... one of those married things.

Shall we go then you and I,
Where the UFOs are spread out against the sky
Like an alien anesthetized on a laboratory table
Let us go, where fat men wander the desert streets
In their camoflauge pajamas and hiking cleats

From: Aaron C.

I've been occasionally perusing Deuce's Web stuff and just recently found the interview with And I Am. It was hilarious. I kept trying not to laugh out loud sitting here by myself so passersby wouldn't think I was daffy.

From: Randall Brown
Subject: Hasil Adkins tips


I just came across your Hasil Adkins interview while researching in preparation of my own. Do you have any tips on interviewing him, as such? I had thought he might be hard to approach, but he seems quite amiable.

Nice interview you did, by the way.

-- Randall Brown

From: Mike Maveal
Subject: Clinton/Hitler

I really enjoyed reading the quote on your site. Great job! Keep up the good work. I agree with you that it is scary that the American people are so ignorant that they cannot see through Clinton's lies. I am a school teacher and I am mocked daily by other teachers who think that Clinton is great! Thanks for the encouragement!

Mike Maveal

From: CLODO2
Subject: satansatansatansatan.....

i've recently come across the 666 Cold stuff, and it got a good laugh outta me. i bought bottles of it for christmas presents for like minded friends. before looking up the actual name on the browser, i went to Montecello itself and left an e-mail for an explanation, but now i know that there are others that know of this. isn't the greatest. even though i'm a devout atheist, i'm still not ever going to take it. gimmie the skinny on any updates that you might have, SATAN is here, and he didn't appear as a UPC symbol, he showed up as a cough syrup, or a "Cold Preparation", if you will. get back to me at TTFN

From: "Mark G. (the "G" is for Guru)"
Organization: Directions For Youth
Subject: Prankiness is next to Deuceness

Hi! I watch your new links disseminate, soaking up each new aspect of your site with a mental burp, indicating a hunger satisfied... ahhhhh....

Later instigator,

- Mark G., O.P. [Original Prankster]

Subject: Wow!

Wow! Some website! So tell me, do you hate Osmonds in general or just Mormons?????

i think you probably mean ". . . mormons in general or just osmonds."
but, as the good doctor johnson once said, it's hard to settle the difference between a gnat and a flea.

nevertheless, it's not just mormons. don't forget about the Jehovah's Witnesses

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